#Behavior adhd iceberg how to

Your kids don’t have your perspective on life and it’s easy to lose heart if a struggle is hard and seems never-ending.

Our job as parents is to prepare them for the world, not just for academic life. And to be able to have key life skills like problem solving, making good choices and self-advocacy so they can stand on their own two feet. We all want our children to grow up to be confident and comfortable in their own skin. Focus On The Bigger Picture, Not Just The Frustration Of The Day When was the last time you explored with an open heart what you’re really worried about? This is important so you don’t let your fear of the future write the story.īy getting in touch with your anxiety and what your child’s behavior brings up for you, you can create a more realistic outlook on the future. How is your child managing with their friends and social interactions?

#Behavior adhd iceberg how to

Is your child getting help to learn how to manage their unique brain? Before falling down the rabbit hole of fatalistic thinking, ask yourself what is real? What are you really afraid of?Īsk yourself what your expectations are for your child and what’s reasonable given what you know about their ADHD, skills, history, and current path. When you see your child struggle, it’s easy to get caught up in your own inner negative self-talk, and that can be scary. With that in mind, you have greater capacity to help your child and often, gain the benefit of patience and humility in the process. This pivot in a parent’s attitude creates space for forgiveness, grace and honoring what is real for your child. If you start from the perspective of “they would if they could” you are framing your criticism, fear and wishes through the practical lens of what is possible now, instead of through the lens of wishful thinking or shame. The idea that a child “would if he could” is an important distinction because it becomes a lens through which to look at your child and reframe your understanding of them in any given moment. This is how they become capable adults with executive function skills so they can lead successful and productive lives. They have to learn what works for them and how their brain functions. To do that, kids must learn to work with their own unique brain. Children want to succeed every child wants to “grow up” and develop the mastery to be a capable human being. Failing at a task and disappointing their parents is hard on children. Unfortunately, blaming and shaming like this only make matters worse.Īs a parent and coach, I can tell you that most children I have met do not willfully self-sabotage.

When these skills lag, for whatever reason, the timeworn advice about pushing through or “trying harder to make it happen” doesn’t do the trick. While there are times when a child may be stubborn or selfish, neuroscience and a growing body of behavioral literature hold that often it is a lack of skills-specifically the brain-based “executive function” skills that hold him back.Įxecutive function is the brain’s hub of skills that includes memory, organization, planning, self-regulation and the ability to modify behavior in response to others. Develop A “They Would If They Could” Attitude Here’s some thoughts that may help you make some sense (and find a little relief) in it all. I know this world and there is a double-edged sword as a parent. You love your child, but your relationship is strained because of the frustration of it all, and it’s bringing you down. So while children with ADHD are smart, funny, gifted and innovative, they also struggle with executive function skills, sometimes immaturity and inconsistency.Īs a parent, you’re often caught in the middle, trying to balance your own feelings about their behavior while also trying to help your child have less conflict in their life. All of this leaves you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and on a roller coaster of emotions all day long. Maybe they want to debate things that are not up for debate, or check-out of doing important tasks altogether. They don’t operate with urgency to get important tasks done and when they do get into action, it’s messy, or sloppy, or disorganized, or challenging.Īrguing is super common or they cocoon and seem to ignore other people. You love them with all your heart and yet, your child seems out of touch at times.